It’s been 2 1/2 years since my last blog post and roughly six weeks since life as we knew it came to a halt at the hands of a tiny and lethal predator; I don’t know which feels longer. What I do know is that this is the most scared I have ever been – for myself, for the people I love, for the world as a whole, for the future. The pandemic has decimated any sense of normalcy and upended our routines. It has forced us to consider what was unfathomable just a little while ago; it has expanded our vocabulary with strange new words and phrases. It has brought about epic loneliness and immense ignorance, it has stolen lives, jobs, milestones and our collective well-being. And it has robbed us of so many things that brought us joy – often without us even realizing it. Ice coffee from Dunkin Donuts and fountain sodas from 7-Eleven. Subway rides. Lipstick. Jeans. Eating with other people. Coney Island. Favorite hoomans. Awkward hugs.
But in some ways it has also brought us closer, binding us with shared trauma. As most of you know, I was never a huge fan of humanity or of leaving the couch in general. But being forced to live without both of those things has not been stellar. This feels very different from homebodiness. I am beyond thankful for technology that lets us share coronavirus and “Tiger King” memes and stay connected 24/7, and for all the good people in my life who have been keeping me company that way. I hope I have been at least a little bit as comforting to you as you have to me. I culled this selection of random out-of-context quotes from random, out-of-context quarantine conversations with my peeps. Bolded lines were uttered by famous people (mostly a certain governor), taken from songs or the ether, or spotted on strangers’ Instagram feeds. It’s long and probably not that entertaining unless you’re one of the quotees, but what else ya got going on?
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Pawrona
Bumble in the Time of Corona
None of us are free
Once Upon a No
T! Come to Mississippi! And charge your phone!
Influencer and attempted murderer
When the germs go away
I like to keep heavy cream around.
Cost of doing business
I can never figure out how he does his eyebrows tho.
11:30 am, 7 pm
Crispies
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
NMP (Not My Problem)
Yesterday was matzoi day!
My sleep is borked.
I never realized how fast staring into space drained your phone battery.
Actually, could you send me a few rolls of toilet paper?
-No one thinks of toothpaste in the Apocalypse.
-And any scandal resulting from shortages will be known as Colgate.
I feel like pandemic and homeschooling is not a great gauge of my well-being.
Coroney Island
So, whatcha doing this weekend?
This may be a secret plot engineered by dogs.
Prisoners of War
Social distancing
Madewell was the last venue I was in.
I didn’t struggle with cystic fibrosis for 22 years to get taken down by some rando bug from a bat.
Wake up lady, it’s noon.
Fuck. It IS Beverly Cleary.
Make America Exotic again.
We finally have a pandemic and Traci isn’t here to freak out about it. I feel gypped!
Shelter in place
I can’t understand anything that Snell guy says.
Self-isolation
This episode of Black Mirror sucks.
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the Quarantine region of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling isolation.
Then you say, ‘Oh really?’ and take your pants off.
Carole Baskin did it.
I showered. I didn’t say when.
Conditions are mostly reclusive with a 60% chance of chocolate later in the evening. Back pain moving in from the south at 50 mph.
That was weirdly written, but you get the point.
We can’t get toilet paper but this guy has a full-body dinosaur costume lying around?
Remember, he’s irrelevant to you.
Increasingly worried about my ability to function in normal society again.
UnHappy Hour
Rations
Bitchwolf
Yeah murder vs. infection is a difficult choice.
-How are you prepping for tonight’s Zoom call?
-Tinted moisturizer.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s toilet paper.
Should I put together a PowerPoint pitching myself as his new ladyfriend?
We’ll be back after a short intermission. Stay safe and healthy, New York!
The quarantine diet is all carb, all the time.
Thinking about putting ham in my matzo ball soup.
Let me just check my incredibly busy schedule … yeah as it happens, I’m free.
She was making THE cutest sound ever. And then I noticed she’d eaten half my pillowcase.
Any other details to jog the ol’ noggin?
I just poured me some rosé and started cleaning out kitchen cabinet. Don’t be jelly.
He doesn’t make the rules.
I vaguely remember outside.
I ruined so many things that could have been amazing because I was sad.
Zoom
N95
PPE
Thank you, essential workers
Do you find that you go in waves?
Sorry. Deteriorating.
Our governor has a particularly punchable face.
-It made me laugh, but I thought it was too early to text.
-What time was it, like 1 pm?
Better living through chemistry
Ugh. Is it 2021 yet?
Amazing how many republicans suddenly became pro-choice.
Whaffeye can’t get mahbangersnmash?!
There is a time and a place. This is not the time or the place.
We drove to Missoula.
Jealous of your eggs and your manicure.
You’ll be fine as long as you add cilantro to everything.
Is it just me or is Cuomo’s nipple totally pierced?!
Andrew-curious/Cuomosexual
Cats aren’t that important.
-Is today is March 79th?
-Blenvemberuary the Florpy Ferf.
Time is actually going pretty fast, because I’m only awake for a few hours of daylight.
Now I’m gonna have to go risk my life to get some Cap’n Crunch.
One thing I like about wearing masks is that sometimes I mouth ‘fuck you’ to people and they don’t know it.
Wet markets
This is Sims Traci reacting to a fruit cake a neighbor brought by.
Remind me never to do gel before a pandemic again.
This is getting very old.
The age’s most uncertain hour
Kathy, I’m lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping. I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why, counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike, they’ve all come to look for America …
I think it’s just a nostalgic and beautiful song, and I think we are feeling nostalgic for America right now. It’s a hard place to recognize.
Nipplegate is my favorite COVID distraction.
We will meet again.
Flattening the curve
Fuck your head and the neck it rode in on.
I miss you bringing me jelly rings this year.
-I’m endorsing you, Joe.
-Thanks! For what?
And no matzo crack
World on lockdown
This is the new that.
I worry about you.
Pluto
I put on jeans today. They feel like compression stockings.
Look to the Chuckle to heal.
What are days?
Oh look. It’s night again.
Listen to Dr. Fauci, he’s from Brooklyn.
The Great Pause
Me: In my head I’m dating the governor now.
Therapist: Get in line, honey. We all are right now.
Fools, said I, you do not know.
It is literally like a disaster movie where every aspect of existence is fucked up.
I thought he looked somewhat delicious.
Gahhhhh I wish I could tell you in Spanish.
No dog wants to smell like blueberry.
…almond milk, which I opened somewhere between 7 and 100 days ago.
You sound like a chihuahua on a coke bender.
How did it go with the frozen bananas?
I just can’t America anymore.
Bologna with mayo on white bread. They’re really trying to kill us.
That’s not who we are.
I told you about that in like, 2017.
I stay up so late I need to eat dinner again.
Contact tracing
One day I was born. Then everything bothered me. And that brings us up to date.
Soothe us, Daddy.
Does it hurt to be so beautiful? Something you just learn to live with?
‘Froink’ is the best name for a pig I’ve ever heard.
At the end of the day my friends, even if it’s a long day, and this is a very long day, love wins, always. – Andrew Cuomo
13: It’s not bad luck. It’s good TV.
Sword swallowers, do not share your swords!
What you are doing is actually saving lives.
This is a terrible experience to go through. But we will manage it, we will handle it, and we will be the better for it.
As bad as you want to address it, some things are just better left unsaid.
What is important is that they are delicious.
In some ways this is the least anxious I’ve ever been. You know, other than the constant threat of death.
Stop offering me cigarettes, I’m 10.
Fuck off Hitler.
Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.
-This is turrble.
-Hurrble.
She has generally very annoying posting habits, but she’s posted a few great memes.
If you don’t say “COVID19” to the tune of “Come on Eileen,” you do now.
They never want to discuss what triggered you … only how you reacted.
Okay well I think that was a big stank factor so I actually feel better.
I’m thinking spring-loaded cobras.
And now it’s May.
There is no return to yesterday. It’s about moving forward.
The Letter T 