The Tekcub List

If you know me – if we have spoken for even five minutes – you know that worrying is one of my greatest skills. In fact, there are few things I do not worry about. So when my guru Mama Kat posed the idea of creating a reverse bucket list – a list of things you hope you NEVER do before you die – I could barely contain the creative juices (which could be laced, I’m just sayin’). In order to avoid jinxing myself and boring you, I decided to set aside my chronic day-to-day worries (car accidents, aneurysms, cancer, public pukage, genetic diseases, dying alone, poverty, Rick Santorum, etc.) and focus instead on some of the more obscure (but real!) concerns I have. As such, below are some highlights of my “Tekcub List.” I never want to …

Be without the fabulous prompts provided by Mama Kat and her Pretty Much World Famous Writer’s Workshop

Suffer the kind of brain damage that leads to “Locked In Syndrome
I officially appoint my sister and my friends Kiki and Loren to ensure that if this does happen, and if for some odd reason the plug is not pulled IMMEDIATELY upon diagnosis, a private waxer is brought in at least once a month to maintain my dignity.

Live in Michigan again
Despite my new-found appreciation for Detroit thanks to Jeffrey Eugenides, and despite my love of Pizza House chapatis, I very much hope I am never again forced to live in bad-accented Midwestern hell (no disrespect to any indigenous peoples, some of whom I consider close friends).

Find myself in a desolate Utah canyon with no cell service, trapped between two boulders and forced to choose between dying a horrible death or cutting off my own arm with a pocket knife
I think we know how that would turn out.

Appear as a contestant on “Fear Factor”
Worms send me into convulsions, in general and as an entrée.

Be photographed by paparazzi/run into John Taylor, Simon Le Bon, Scott Porter, Kyle Chandler, Jon Hamm or Jean Dujardin while not wearing make-up
Believe me, it would hurt the public as much as it would hurt me.

Be framed for a heinous crime, wrongly convicted and sent to maximum security prison

Observe a heinous crime and have to enter Witness Protection

Attempt, fail, and die trying to climb Mt. Everest
Just seems unnecessary and not a particularly enjoyable way to expire.

Get stuck in the Sierra Nevadas during a blizzard and have to resort to cannibalism to survive

A Donner Party is no party at all.

Sky dive
More like sky die.

Contract cholera, Ebola, Fatal Familial Insomnia, dysentery, typhus, kuru or the plague, among many, many others
These are just a few of my greatest hits.

Wear Mom Jeans

Choke to death on a cheese doodle

Have someone sneak into my bedroom whilst I slumber and cut my hair into a 70s-era bi-level

Become allergic to Cadbury Crème Eggs

Seek treatment at a fertility clinic where, unbeknownst to us, the evil doctors replace their patients’ manly “samples” with their own, resulting in 8,000 artificial insemination babies who all have the same genetic lazy eye
Please see the terrifying 1994 made-for-TV movie “The Babymaker: The Dr. Cecil B. Jacobson Story” starring Melissa Gilbert for details.

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The Tekcub List

50 Things I’ll Probably Never Do This Summer

I have no excuse for my blogging hiatus other than mental laziness. And the devastation I felt when the famous blogger behind Hate & Anger told me my last post didn’t do it for him. (Side note: if you knew me and/or my sister, it would have.) Sniff sniff. In any case, I have turned once again to the inspiration of Mama Kat’s Pretty Much World-Famous Writer’s Workshop. In honor of today’s solstice, I now present to you my summer bucket list. Enjoy.

  1. Find a way to achieve vintage tan: the kind of super-brown shade I used to turn in the buck-toothed summer days of yore.
  2. Be more patient
  3. Be less snarky
  4. Learn to meditate
  5. Attend event at Kabbalah Center
  6. Without being snarky about it
  7. Compose hilarious, heart-warming memoir entitled “Cycles of Normalcy”
  8. Sell “Cycles of Normalcy” to big publisher
  9. Receive many offers from film studios who can’t wait to adapt “Cycles of Normalcy”
  10. Be stalked by Eva Longoria and Sandra Bullock, both of whom are desperate to play me in “Cycles of Normalcy”
  11. Find out that the girl who played Weiner Dog in “Welcome to the Dollhouse” is actually cast to play me
  12. Learn to fall asleep without the (safe) use of pharmaceuticals
  13. Walk a treadmill mile at least four times a week without dying
  14. Return (ha!) to yoga
  15. Get a grip
  16. Find a way to haunt Loren’s apartment, Brady Bunch-style, so she can never sell it
  17. Find soul mate for Kiki
  18. See Wendy in Connecticut
  19. See Lauren in Boston
  20. Pinpoint cause of headaches: TMJ? Migraines? Pulled muscle? Insanity?
  21. Stop talking about Anthony Weiner and his wife
  22. Accept and embrace Jewfro
  23. Get luscious caramel highlights to cover gray and improve look of Jewfro
  24. Invent version of keratin treatment that doesn’t contain poison so that Jewish girls everywhere can end their suffering
  25. Stop obsessing about idea of having a “lil chicken cutlet” (thanks for the term, TM!) and either do it or don’t do it but either way, shut the fork up about it
  26. Learn to walk in platforms without falling off them and severely pulling ankle muscle
  27. Read Tina Fey’s book “Bossypants”
  28. Refrain from obsessing about why I haven’t written “Cycles of Normalcy”
  29. Spend as long a weekend as possible at the beach
  30. Visit City Island
  31. Shave legs every day
  32. Go on tour of Harlem culminating in gospel brunch
  33. Schedule cousinly reunion
  34. Cook brown bag chicken
  35. Attend modern dance event at the Joyce Theater
  36. Annoy Keith less
  37. Get over Hamptons-phobia
  38. Return (ha!) to blogging once a week
  39. Give money to Human Rights Campaign, Planned Parenthood, American Cancer Society and Amnesty International
  40. Read other sections of the Times on Sunday besides Style
  41. Spend more quality time with lil sis
  42. Finish grown-up-izing apartment
  43. Convince Keith we need new Room & Board coffee table
  44. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP PICKING CUTICLES. If you’ve read this blog for a while, you know how likely that is.
  45. Become Twitter expert
  46. Cease all purchases of clothing and accessories that are black, gray or beige
  47. Except maybe for these stylie Pour la Victoire gladiators
  48. Spend nice suburban day at Mountainside Community pool with SIL, BIL and super-cute nieces (hint hint SIL & BIL)
  49. Plan anniversary trip to Caribbean
  50. Score front-page coverage for company in NYT and Wall Street Journal
50 Things I’ll Probably Never Do This Summer