50 Things I’ll Probably Never Do This Summer

I have no excuse for my blogging hiatus other than mental laziness. And the devastation I felt when the famous blogger behind Hate & Anger told me my last post didn’t do it for him. (Side note: if you knew me and/or my sister, it would have.) Sniff sniff. In any case, I have turned once again to the inspiration of Mama Kat’s Pretty Much World-Famous Writer’s Workshop. In honor of today’s solstice, I now present to you my summer bucket list. Enjoy.

  1. Find a way to achieve vintage tan: the kind of super-brown shade I used to turn in the buck-toothed summer days of yore.
  2. Be more patient
  3. Be less snarky
  4. Learn to meditate
  5. Attend event at Kabbalah Center
  6. Without being snarky about it
  7. Compose hilarious, heart-warming memoir entitled “Cycles of Normalcy”
  8. Sell “Cycles of Normalcy” to big publisher
  9. Receive many offers from film studios who can’t wait to adapt “Cycles of Normalcy”
  10. Be stalked by Eva Longoria and Sandra Bullock, both of whom are desperate to play me in “Cycles of Normalcy”
  11. Find out that the girl who played Weiner Dog in “Welcome to the Dollhouse” is actually cast to play me
  12. Learn to fall asleep without the (safe) use of pharmaceuticals
  13. Walk a treadmill mile at least four times a week without dying
  14. Return (ha!) to yoga
  15. Get a grip
  16. Find a way to haunt Loren’s apartment, Brady Bunch-style, so she can never sell it
  17. Find soul mate for Kiki
  18. See Wendy in Connecticut
  19. See Lauren in Boston
  20. Pinpoint cause of headaches: TMJ? Migraines? Pulled muscle? Insanity?
  21. Stop talking about Anthony Weiner and his wife
  22. Accept and embrace Jewfro
  23. Get luscious caramel highlights to cover gray and improve look of Jewfro
  24. Invent version of keratin treatment that doesn’t contain poison so that Jewish girls everywhere can end their suffering
  25. Stop obsessing about idea of having a “lil chicken cutlet” (thanks for the term, TM!) and either do it or don’t do it but either way, shut the fork up about it
  26. Learn to walk in platforms without falling off them and severely pulling ankle muscle
  27. Read Tina Fey’s book “Bossypants”
  28. Refrain from obsessing about why I haven’t written “Cycles of Normalcy”
  29. Spend as long a weekend as possible at the beach
  30. Visit City Island
  31. Shave legs every day
  32. Go on tour of Harlem culminating in gospel brunch
  33. Schedule cousinly reunion
  34. Cook brown bag chicken
  35. Attend modern dance event at the Joyce Theater
  36. Annoy Keith less
  37. Get over Hamptons-phobia
  38. Return (ha!) to blogging once a week
  39. Give money to Human Rights Campaign, Planned Parenthood, American Cancer Society and Amnesty International
  40. Read other sections of the Times on Sunday besides Style
  41. Spend more quality time with lil sis
  42. Finish grown-up-izing apartment
  43. Convince Keith we need new Room & Board coffee table
  44. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP PICKING CUTICLES. If you’ve read this blog for a while, you know how likely that is.
  45. Become Twitter expert
  46. Cease all purchases of clothing and accessories that are black, gray or beige
  47. Except maybe for these stylie Pour la Victoire gladiators
  48. Spend nice suburban day at Mountainside Community pool with SIL, BIL and super-cute nieces (hint hint SIL & BIL)
  49. Plan anniversary trip to Caribbean
  50. Score front-page coverage for company in NYT and Wall Street Journal
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50 Things I’ll Probably Never Do This Summer