Quarantine Out of Context

FeltBoardIt’s been 2 1/2 years since my last blog post and roughly six weeks since life as we knew it came to a halt at the hands of a tiny and lethal predator; I don’t know which feels longer. What I do know is that this is the most scared I have ever been – for myself, for the people I love, for the world as a whole, for the future. The pandemic has decimated any sense of normalcy and upended our routines. It has forced us to consider what was unfathomable just a little while ago; it has expanded our vocabulary with strange new words and phrases. It has brought about epic loneliness and immense ignorance, it has stolen lives, jobs, milestones and our collective well-being. And it has robbed us of so many things that brought us joy – often without us even realizing it. Ice coffee from Dunkin Donuts and fountain sodas from 7-Eleven. Subway rides. Lipstick. Jeans. Eating with other people. Coney Island. Favorite hoomans. Awkward hugs.

But in some ways it has also brought us closer, binding us with shared trauma. As most of you know, I was never a huge fan of humanity or of leaving the couch in general. But being forced to live without both of those things has not been stellar.  This feels very different from homebodiness.  I am beyond thankful for technology that lets us share coronavirus and “Tiger King” memes and stay connected 24/7, and for all the good people in my life who have been keeping me company that way. I hope I have been at least a little bit as comforting to you as you have to me.  I culled this selection of random out-of-context quotes from random, out-of-context quarantine conversations with my peeps. Bolded lines were uttered by famous people (mostly a certain governor), taken from songs or the ether, or spotted on strangers’ Instagram feeds. It’s long and probably not that entertaining unless you’re one of the quotees, but what else ya got going on?

***

Pawrona

Bumble in the Time of Corona

None of us are free 

Once Upon a No

T! Come to Mississippi! And charge your phone!

Influencer and attempted murderer

When the germs go away

I like to keep heavy cream around.

Cost of doing business

I can never figure out how he does his eyebrows tho.

11:30 am, 7 pm

Crispies

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out. 

NMP (Not My Problem)

Yesterday was matzoi day!

My sleep is borked.

I never realized how fast staring into space drained your phone battery.

Actually, could you send me a few rolls of toilet paper?

-No one thinks of toothpaste in the Apocalypse.
-And any scandal resulting from shortages will be known as Colgate.

I feel like pandemic and homeschooling is not a great gauge of my well-being.

Coroney Island

So, whatcha doing this weekend?

This may be a secret plot engineered by dogs.

Prisoners of War

Social distancing 

Madewell was the last venue I was in.

I didn’t struggle with cystic fibrosis for 22 years to get taken down by some rando bug from a bat.

Wake up lady, it’s noon.

Fuck. It IS Beverly Cleary.

Make America Exotic again. 

We finally have a pandemic and Traci isn’t here to freak out about it. I feel gypped!

Shelter in place 

I can’t understand anything that Snell guy says.

Self-isolation 

This episode of Black Mirror sucks. 

It’s only quarantine if it comes from the Quarantine region of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling isolation. 

Then you say, ‘Oh really?’ and take your pants off.

Carole Baskin did it.

I showered. I didn’t say when. 

Conditions are mostly reclusive with a 60% chance of chocolate later in the evening. Back pain moving in from the south at 50 mph.

That was weirdly written, but you get the point.

We can’t get toilet paper but this guy has a full-body dinosaur costume lying around?

Remember, he’s irrelevant to you.

Increasingly worried about my ability to function in normal society again.

UnHappy Hour

Rations

Bitchwolf

Yeah murder vs. infection is a difficult choice.

-How are you prepping for tonight’s Zoom call?
-Tinted moisturizer.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s toilet paper. 

Should I put together a PowerPoint pitching myself as his new ladyfriend?

We’ll be back after a short intermission. Stay safe and healthy, New York! 

The quarantine diet is all carb, all the time.

Thinking about putting ham in my matzo ball soup.

Let me just check my incredibly busy schedule … yeah as it happens, I’m free.

She was making THE cutest sound ever. And then I noticed she’d eaten half my pillowcase.

Any other details to jog the ol’ noggin?

I just poured me some rosé and started cleaning out kitchen cabinet. Don’t be jelly.

He doesn’t make the rules.

I vaguely remember outside.

I ruined so many things that could have been amazing because I was sad. 

Zoom 

N95

PPE

Thank you, essential workers 

Do you find that you go in waves?

Sorry. Deteriorating.

Our governor has a particularly punchable face.

-It made me laugh, but I thought it was too early to text.
-What time was it, like 1 pm?

Better living through chemistry

Ugh. Is it 2021 yet?

Amazing how many republicans suddenly became pro-choice. 

Whaffeye can’t get mahbangersnmash?!

There is a time and a place. This is not the time or the place.

We drove to Missoula.

Jealous of your eggs and your manicure.

You’ll be fine as long as you add cilantro to everything.

Is it just me or is Cuomo’s nipple totally pierced?!

Andrew-curious/Cuomosexual 

Cats aren’t that important. 

-Is today is March 79th?
-Blenvemberuary the Florpy Ferf.

Time is actually going pretty fast, because I’m only awake for a few hours of daylight.

Now I’m gonna have to go risk my life to get some Cap’n Crunch.

One thing I like about wearing masks is that sometimes I mouth ‘fuck you’ to people and they don’t know it.

Wet markets

This is Sims Traci reacting to a fruit cake a neighbor brought by.

Remind me never to do gel before a pandemic again.

This is getting very old.

The age’s most uncertain hour 

Kathy, I’m lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping. I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why, counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike, they’ve all come to look for America … 

I think it’s just a nostalgic and beautiful song, and I think we are feeling nostalgic for America right now. It’s a hard place to recognize.

Nipplegate is my favorite COVID distraction.

We will meet again. 

Flattening the curve 

Fuck your head and the neck it rode in on. 

I miss you bringing me jelly rings this year.

-I’m endorsing you, Joe. 
-Thanks! For what?

And no matzo crack

World on lockdown

This is the new that.

I worry about you.

Pluto

I put on jeans today. They feel like compression stockings.

Look to the Chuckle to heal.

What are days?

Oh look. It’s night again.

Listen to Dr. Fauci, he’s from Brooklyn.

The Great Pause

Me: In my head I’m dating the governor now.
Therapist: Get in line, honey. We all are right now.

Fools, said I, you do not know. 

It is literally like a disaster movie where every aspect of existence is fucked up.

I thought he looked somewhat delicious.

Gahhhhh I wish I could tell you in Spanish.

No dog wants to smell like blueberry. 

…almond milk, which I opened somewhere between 7 and 100 days ago.

You sound like a chihuahua on a coke bender.

How did it go with the frozen bananas?

I just can’t America anymore.

Bologna with mayo on white bread. They’re really trying to kill us. 

That’s not who we are. 

I told you about that in like, 2017.

I stay up so late I need to eat dinner again.

Contact tracing 

One day I was born. Then everything bothered me. And that brings us up to date. 

Soothe us, Daddy.

Does it hurt to be so beautiful? Something you just learn to live with?

‘Froink’ is the best name for a pig I’ve ever heard.

At the end of the day my friends, even if it’s a long day, and this is a very long day, love wins, always. – Andrew Cuomo

13: It’s not bad luck. It’s good TV.

Sword swallowers, do not share your swords!

What you are doing is actually saving lives. 

This is a terrible experience to go through. But we will manage it, we will handle it, and we will be the better for it. 

As bad as you want to address it, some things are just better left unsaid. 

What is important is that they are delicious.

In some ways this is the least anxious I’ve ever been. You know, other than the constant threat of death.

Stop offering me cigarettes, I’m 10. 

Fuck off Hitler. 

Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final. 

-This is turrble.
-Hurrble.

She has generally very annoying posting habits, but she’s posted a few great memes.

If you don’t say “COVID19” to the tune of “Come on Eileen,” you do now. 

They never want to discuss what triggered you … only how you reacted. 

Okay well I think that was a big stank factor so I actually feel better.

I’m thinking spring-loaded cobras.

And now it’s May.

There is no return to yesterday. It’s about moving forward. 

Quarantine Out of Context

2017 Out of Context

In my youth, I used to keep meticulous records of the funny, poignant, random shit my friends and I heard, said, and read.  On very rare occasions, I go back and look through them, hoping to gain some insight from the past. What on god’s green earth happened to make me the way I am? Which wrong door did I inadvertently open and let all future errors in? Who is the “Mute Cow” and why did we talk about him or her so much? What life lesson can I learn from 1993?

As it turns out, the life lesson I can learn is that everything everyone said was asinine. But regardless, it’s not the worst thing to get a little lost in old, easier problems and simpler times when there was still a chance that eventually, we’d all be okay.

Screen Shot 2017-12-17 at 4.37.24 PM

I’m not sure what prompted me to start writing this shit down again – or, in the new world order, typing it into an iPhone Note – but this year, for the first time since the Clinton administration, I did. As such, I now present to you a selection of gems uttered by my tribe and me, along with lines from poems, songs, and stoopid Instagram feeds (bolded) that struck a nerve with any of us. Some of what you see here holds a lot of significance to the speaker or listener, and some is just “word porn.”

Much love to all the quotees here (I trust you’ll know who you are) and my thanks to the brains behind the famed “TACIMH” Facebook series for not suing for copyright infringement. (Royalties to follow.)

I know history tells us otherwise, but I still hope that eventually, we’ll all be okay.

***

Malaise for days

I only cease to love as love demands … As you know it takes a while to clap those fragments from your idle hands 

#emotion

I thought our little wild time had just begun … I guess you really scared yourself, you turn and run

Seminal heartbreak

Your word is: SNAUSAGE.

Bavarian chic

I’m following the scent of Jewish guilt and Ativan.

Sometimes the things we think will make us happy don’t pan out.

But that would defeat the whole purpose, would it not?

Ooooooh. Someone has a crush on you.

I was thinking of sacrificing you, if you’re down.

Even in silence, I can hear you. That’s how I know. 

Wild dreams of a new beginning

I like to think the plot thickens, but in reality, it does not.

Now you can say you spent your Sunday with carnies.

Beige foods

And there’s nothing you can do about it

Should you be composing rap lyrics during business hours?

I just don’t see the return on investment here.

Sometimes I can hear my bones straining from the weight of all the lives I am not living. 

I prefer to call it investigative journalism.

Me. You. Oyster bar where Roger Sterling barfed.

You are a woman of substance.

I thought you would appreciate that little tiddlebiddle.

I want you to know that I wore athleisure today and I liked it.

But that could be the lipstick that changes my life!

Listen to me. You can do this. Be the bigger person. Be the better person.

Feeling is indelible and longing infinite

There are pros and cons to every alternate timeline

The Roll-N-Roaster milkshake does not bring all the boys to the yard.

I will not stand idly by and watch the destruction of the English language.

Survived and headed home with a case of the douche chills.

If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Way to make pastry depressing…

Oh look! It’s the vacuumer.

Love you too, Vampirella.

The awful weight of what almost was 

No, tiny Fran Drescher, no.

What if it’s just the human condition?

This will be the picture that comes up when you call.

For the record, he made nothing disappear.

F’ing Irish car bomb

But the easy things are never the important things.

You ask me to enter and then you make me crawl

You’re absolutely the best, but you know that already.

Neil Patrick Hairless and Scarlett No’Hara

I can see what he can’t say 

Then the Israelis taught me how to zip up my parka.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck

I wish you’d told me that the other night.

No, it was definitely pee.

Asbestos and antelope fur on plaster, 2017

Rabbi, are you ready?

Emotionally stunted fucktard

Who you are as a kid … you don’t have to stay that way.

Every goodbye is a little death, with every goodbye we die a little.

Is there no honor among crafters?

Doesn’t vinegar kill tapeworm?

A love so real you can feel it exist

Also I was on line forever at CVS AND they were playing Gwen Stefani.

This has been my crowning achievement in New York.

It was a deus ex machina, as we in the literary world say.

Your heart is so big. When you love, you love hard.

So is he dead or not?

Sometimes you don’t get closure. You just move on.

I promise, I will never ghost you T.

San Antonio, the city whose name translates loosely into “Swamp Ass.”

This is all so Bruce Springsteen.

I’d not scoff at a roast beef sammich.

Blondies’ first Wawa

Next time I start to get a crush on someone, just punch me in the face.

Lila Cockrell!

In case you ever need material for conversations about benign mouth deformities …

Wish I knew you when I was young

Eventually, we will have completely turned you.

I firmly believe this is a logistical issue.

I didn’t realize the flu affected your fingers’ ability to text.

-What’s that smell?
-Bourbon. And despair. 

Ehhhhhhhhhm

Walk with me. We’ll figure out where we’re going later.

If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom for the next few weeks.

You’re past the urchin stage.

Come. Walk with me. I’ll buy you Shake Shack.

If you pull this off, you will be a legend.

I’m a monster.

I think being able to stay calm and polite in the face of someone being a complete ass is the definition of strong.

This will work out one way or another and everyone will be okay, including you.

It’s not palpable excitement. It’s palpable terror.

Youthful sham

Oh I have cried in the shower many times.

Someone’s gonna feel awkward in the morning and for once it’s not you.

There’s a blaze of light in every word … it doesn’t matter which you heard, the holy or the broken hallelujah

Poke [pronounced to rhyme with “smoky”] for you and poke [also pronounced like “smoky”] for me …

UGH he’s a turd.

Once you pull the trigger, you can’t know who will get shot.

May our misguided spirits always be bulletproof, and our Mad Hatter minds drunk on imagination forever.

It will not come from me.

A wasted gift.

TWIST!

You heard what just came out of your mouth, right? This is your novel.

So now you even hate the sun?

As amazing as I knew you would be.

The good stuff’s in the Don Draper drawer.

I love that look. It’s like corporate goth.

Stabby rage

It’s never too late to be what you might have been.

How can you not tell us apart? I’m covered in tattoos and she’s covered in Jewish guilt.

Dafuque is wrong with you both?

I bet if there were more women generals, WWII would have been over in a year. Or we’d all be dead.

I want to love but it comes out wrong, I want to live but I don’t belong

I think I love your shrink.

The list of things I’d do to see you every day is not short.

The way you think about people isn’t always the way they actually are.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we’re in Gowanus right now.

One of us! One of us!

OMG. We should totally, like, do Clarendon.

Stop thinking about things so much. You’re breaking your own heart.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Go. A. Way.

Trivia question: where was I the last time I wore these jeans?

You look as if I’ve just told you that you have ringworm.

-It’s a little startling to see you in white.
-Just to be clear, it’s actually cream.

What’s a work crisis for a copy editor? Did someone misuse an Oxford comma?

Oh my god. I’m Chuck McGill! I have Chuck McGill disease!

How do I become an oligarch?

Maybe I need to issue smocks to all who enter.

I, too, eat lunch.

Also, I’m a recluse.

I just have a feeling I might cry tonight.

OMG! You floored us!

Either come closer or stay away. Having you in between is very exhausting.

I ain’t great at memo sending.

If he hasn’t gotten basic human behavior down by now, it’s looking doubtful.

I’m not gonna talk you off a ledge, but I am going to guide you through thinking every possible outcome through.

I really thought I could fix this.

What we hide in our hearts eats us alive.

What up, Don Rickles?

Ultra black. Or whichever color is darker than black. Like your soul.

Really? I remember it going down a liiiiittle differently.

From the back, it looked like Jesus.

We’re all crazy about things we haven’t even touched yet

I wanna go into American Girl and say, “I’d like a Viking doll. A shield maiden, to be exact. And give me Viking braids.”

Have I over-purchased?

And the way he’s talking to the Sphinx!

I think you secretly want Ebola.

You are so dark. How are we even related?

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

What’s the latest with your esophagus?

Can you publicly address the goodness of my homemade Dijon vinaigrette?

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find that parting story destabilizing.

I know you would never suggest I buy something pink.

The system only dreams in total darkness

I’ve never liked the cut of his jib.

-I love that expression “shit the bed.”
-Me too but I don’t think I understand its use. Like did I shit the bed last night or did he?
-He did. He totally shit the bed.

We were perfect there. Everyone loved us.

This isn’t who you are. You come from better stock.

You’re a French macaroon.

You can’t die with people mad at you. I would be VERY mad at you.

Large format meat

I would run. Run as far away as you can, as fast as you can.

The misfit toys are obsessed with you btw.

Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

Turns out Marty Feldman’s been dead since 1982. Let’s just go with, “It was Mick Fleetwood.”

I blame the greasy-haired girl.

Hopper is an actual bunny!

… the characters that come into our lives on the path to a meaningful existence …

I’m just gonna stand here and open this can of Fancy Feast for lunch …

Any good psychic would know immediately there’s zero positive energy within 10 miles of me.

Don’t be a mouth-breathing wastoid.

“My pleasure.”

Lemme tell ya. If I’d had to spend $1000 getting that cat’s asshole suctioned …

I would have maybe traded him phone use for joint (Excerpt from commute texts with unnamed party, for plausible deniability)

Trick or treat, freak!

I have nightmares to attend to.

-I liked it, out of spite
-Totally justified.

There is a crack, a crack in everything

Maybe it’s been the mallowed sweets all along. Maybe if you switched to bourbon mashed sweets your whole life would be different.

Look at it this way, he can be someone else’s headache now.

Is a fucking cheese plate too much to ask for?

I have a gummy vitamin and glass of water within reach. Those could last me two weeks if I ration.

No one should be that good their first time.

Let me tell you when I spotted the first lie.

Who is your favorite person named Steve?

Hanson? Like as in, “Where’s the Love?”
-Yes and I wish they’d answered that question.

You will never understand the hell I feel inside my head.

You can’t drink wine from a $2 bill.

Hi, Paly.

And when all of this is over, should I lose you in the smoke, I want you to know you were the one. And may my love travel with you everywhere, may my love travel with you always.

And we’re done here. 

 

2017 Out of Context