#Shudder

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Sometimes, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for people who have not blogged in more than two years to take to their keyboards. And I have decided that I can no longer sit silently by as more and more of my friends, Romans, and countrymen fall prey to shudder-inducing, unoriginal expressions as they compose their vapid social media posts. It is my ethical responsibility to return to the Letter T and comment on this scourge.

Let me first say that you’d have a lot of trouble finding a bigger, more addicted social media junkie than me. I spend a truly alarming amount of time going down dark Facebook holes. You may not know me, but I sure know you. And your best friend from high school. And your ex-girlfriend. And her new boyfriend. Who, weirdly, is friends with my dentist’s daughter’s fiance. So no, I’m not pointing fingers at anyone merely for their use of these sites. It’s a sad reality. But for the love of GOD people, if you’re going to be a chronic poster there, post good shit. I want to be cool and hip and popular as much as the next guy, but for the good of the nation and society as a whole I implore you: stop propagating moronic hashtags and asshole expressions like these!!!

#squad: What kind of #squad are we talking about here? Death? Firing? Cheerleading? Rescue? If you must use this one, have the decency to qualify it. Otherwise I’ll have to assume you mean “Idiot Squad.”

Artsy photo of airplane wing to inform the world of your travels: Are you the unwitting protagonist in a reenactment of the famous William Shatner Twilight Zone episode “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet?” Is there a gremlin on that wing you just hashtag-no-filtered? If not, a simple “I just sat down on a big old jet airliner” will suffice.

An open letter to…: This implies there is such a thing as a closed letter. Please compose one of those instead.

#fordays: Lip gloss for days. Bikinis for days. Rosé for days. Or, in English, “I seem to have acquired a great number of lip glosses;” “Note that I am packing several bikinis for my beach vacation;” “I very much enjoy a nice glass of Rosé.”

My boo/My bae: I would comment, but my body is too contorted from cringing. I guess I can’t even, which brings me to my next point.

Can’t even:  Can’t even WHAT?! Can’t even COMPLETE A DAMN SENTENCE?!

On fleek: What exactly does this mean? What’s a fleek? Do I want to be fleek? It is so weird to me, in fact, that I will allow you to use it in my company if you do so ironically.

#nomnom: Only if you are furry, blue, googly-eyed, unable to properly use pronouns and surviving on a diet of cookies is it at all acceptable to use this hashtag.

This guy/This girl: Again, this guy/this girl WHAT? Do you not know the name of the person you’re so excited to pose with?

Birthday love letters to toddlers: Your kid is two and will never see this post. He or she can’t read, write, log on to Facebook, crap in a toilet, or POSSIBLY exhibit any of the traits you’re claiming he or she has.

What happens next will shock you: I doubt it. The only thing that would shock me is if what happens next actually shocks me. Thank you, Ron, for pointing out the absurdity here.

#blessed: When I see this in my feed, I feel  #cursed. And also #nauseous.

Posts about your dog: Just kidding. These are 1000% acceptable and encouraged. Unless of course your dog is part of a #squad; #blessed; has #Snausagesfordays; or is sensitive, thoughtful, smart, and intuitive at the age of eight weeks.

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#Shudder

Welcome to Tech Support: Your FAQ

Welcome to the unofficial Support Section of the not-so award-winning, acclaimed, widely-read blog “The Letter T.”  We value your business, and to better serve you, we’ve compiled a list of the questions our clients most commonly ask our CEO. If you don’t see the answer you’re looking for, try someone else’s blog.

Why on god’s green earth did you write an FAQ for yourself?
You probably won’t be surprised to learn that this post, like so many of my others, is the brainchild of Mama Kat’s Pretty Much World Famous Writer’s Workshop.

What services do you provide?
Nothing of import, including:

  • Copywriting/copyediting
  • Social media updating
  • Search engine optimization
  • General corporate communications
  • Medical consults
  • Shoe consults
  • Cosmetic consults
  • Comedic relief
  • Hillbilly cooking
  • Stuffed animal foster parenting
  • Intermittent emotional comfort
  • Instant recall of trivial and random information
  • Defense of the Great State of New Jersey
  • Candy trafficking and dealing, sometimes within 200 feet of a school
  • Holiday party hosting

Where are your headquarters?
New York City, with regional offices in Scotch Plains, NJ and Dallas, TX.

Do you take credit cards?
With pleasure!

Do you have time to write and send an urgent email blast for me within the next hour?
No, but I will.

What happened to your chin?
The small scar on the lower right corner of my face is from my cameo appearance on Nip/Tuck ’86. That year, I had a dime-sized birth mark removed. Plastic surgery has come a long way, and if I’d had it removed today, I’d probably be scar-free.  But, as Karl Lagerfeld said, “There is no beauty without strangeness.”

What were you doing in Michigan and Philadelphia?
Very little.

How did you meet your husband?
My husband and I went to high school together. I knew him, because he was the class president and homecoming king, as well as an athlete
and a twin, which was still rare back then. He claims to have known me, but that is simply not possible. Obviously, we spoke nary a word between June 1990 and the summer of 2008, when we reconnected on Facebook. Yes, Facebook actually can do good.

How’d you sleep last night?
Not great.

Why do you look like a chipmunk when you eat?
I suffer from what my inner circle knows as “the swallowing thing.” Depending on who you ask, it may be a social phobia, and/or a severe form of globus
hystericus
, and/or a conversion disorder, and/or the result of control issues that cause me to involuntarily clench my jaw so hard it will barely move. In any case, it is often difficult for me to swallow with grace and aplomb. It is embarrassing and unpleasant, but somehow, I am always able to get ice cream down with no problem.

On that note, you eat an absurd amount of cheese and junk food, yet are not yet obese. How is that possible?
With irritable bowel syndrome, everything is possible.  Any day now, I will wake up and suddenly weigh 400 pounds.

Where do you get your fashion ideas?
I stare creepily at well-dressed women on the subway; I copy my fashion-forward friends; and I cut out pictures of Rachel Bilson, Reese Witherspoon, Kourtney Kardashian, and Jessica Alba from US magazine.

Why are you so afraid of barfing?
Studies show it has to do with the trauma of a reversal of fortune in front of my entire second-grade class in 1980. Plus, barfing is horrible.

I find you and your blog to be more than a smidge irritating. What can I do about this?
Please try rebooting.

Have you ever thought about writing a book?
Yes, but I am lazy and uninspired, as evidenced by the irregularity of my blog posts.

I think you should try. Are you afraid of failing?
What part of “lazy and uninspired” do you not understand? I am not afraid of failing. I fail at least once a day and I am used to it. What I am afraid of is losing hope.  As long as I talk about writing a book but never actually do it, there’s still the possibility that it might one day happen.

Isn’t there ANYTHING that motivates you?
There are a few things, including:

  • Fresh Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
  • Knowing John Taylor and Simon Le Bon are out there, somewhere
  • The mean girls in high school
  • Thoughts of appearing on the late night talk show circuit – and what I will wear
  • The idea of making my husband/family proud

What nail polish color is that?
Most likely, it’s Lincoln Park After Dark; Midnight in Moscow; Romeo & Joliet; or Chinchilly. If you enjoy diarrhea-colored nails (which I don’t), I recommend  Uh-Oh Roll Down the Window.

I have tried all the contact numbers I have for you and still can’t reach you. What the deuce?
“Deuce” is the keyword here. I am almost never without access to a landline or mobile device. If you are unable to reach me, it means one of two things. Either my shitty iPhone battery has died a moment after it claimed to be 100% charged, and/or I am doing the kind of business that shan’t be mentioned here.

Welcome to Tech Support: Your FAQ