In my youth, I used to keep meticulous records of the funny, poignant, random shit my friends and I heard, said, and read. On very rare occasions, I go back and look through them, hoping to gain some insight from the past. What on god’s green earth happened to make me the way I am? Which wrong door did I inadvertently open and let all future errors in? Who is the “Mute Cow” and why did we talk about him or her so much? What life lesson can I learn from 1993?
As it turns out, the life lesson I can learn is that everything everyone said was asinine. But regardless, it’s not the worst thing to get a little lost in old, easier problems and simpler times when there was still a chance that eventually, we’d all be okay.
I’m not sure what prompted me to start writing this shit down again – or, in the new world order, typing it into an iPhone Note – but this year, for the first time since the Clinton administration, I did. As such, I now present to you a selection of gems uttered by my tribe and me, along with lines from poems, songs, and stoopid Instagram feeds (bolded) that struck a nerve with any of us. Some of what you see here holds a lot of significance to the speaker or listener, and some is just “word porn.”
Much love to all the quotees here (I trust you’ll know who you are) and my thanks to the brains behind the famed “TACIMH” Facebook series for not suing for copyright infringement. (Royalties to follow.)
I know history tells us otherwise, but I still hope that eventually, we’ll all be okay.
Malaise for days
I only cease to love as love demands … As you know it takes a while to clap those fragments from your idle hands
I thought our little wild time had just begun … I guess you really scared yourself, you turn and run
Your word is: SNAUSAGE.
I’m following the scent of Jewish guilt and Ativan.
Sometimes the things we think will make us happy don’t pan out.
But that would defeat the whole purpose, would it not?
Ooooooh. Someone has a crush on you.
I was thinking of sacrificing you, if you’re down.
Even in silence, I can hear you. That’s how I know.
Wild dreams of a new beginning
I like to think the plot thickens, but in reality, it does not.
Now you can say you spent your Sunday with carnies.
And there’s nothing you can do about it
Should you be composing rap lyrics during business hours?
I just don’t see the return on investment here.
Sometimes I can hear my bones straining from the weight of all the lives I am not living.
I prefer to call it investigative journalism.
Me. You. Oyster bar where Roger Sterling barfed.
You are a woman of substance.
I thought you would appreciate that little tiddlebiddle.
I want you to know that I wore athleisure today and I liked it.
But that could be the lipstick that changes my life!
Listen to me. You can do this. Be the bigger person. Be the better person.
Feeling is indelible and longing infinite
There are pros and cons to every alternate timeline
The Roll-N-Roaster milkshake does not bring all the boys to the yard.
I will not stand idly by and watch the destruction of the English language.
Survived and headed home with a case of the douche chills.
If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
Way to make pastry depressing…
Oh look! It’s the vacuumer.
Love you too, Vampirella.
The awful weight of what almost was
No, tiny Fran Drescher, no.
What if it’s just the human condition?
This will be the picture that comes up when you call.
For the record, he made nothing disappear.
F’ing Irish car bomb
But the easy things are never the important things.
You ask me to enter and then you make me crawl
You’re absolutely the best, but you know that already.
Neil Patrick Hairless and Scarlett No’Hara
I can see what he can’t say
Then the Israelis taught me how to zip up my parka.
Fuck you, you fucking fuck
I wish you’d told me that the other night.
No, it was definitely pee.
Asbestos and antelope fur on plaster, 2017
Rabbi, are you ready?
Emotionally stunted fucktard
Who you are as a kid … you don’t have to stay that way.
Every goodbye is a little death, with every goodbye we die a little.
Is there no honor among crafters?
Doesn’t vinegar kill tapeworm?
A love so real you can feel it exist
Also I was on line forever at CVS AND they were playing Gwen Stefani.
This has been my crowning achievement in New York.
It was a deus ex machina, as we in the literary world say.
Your heart is so big. When you love, you love hard.
So is he dead or not?
Sometimes you don’t get closure. You just move on.
I promise, I will never ghost you T.
San Antonio, the city whose name translates loosely into “Swamp Ass.”
This is all so Bruce Springsteen.
I’d not scoff at a roast beef sammich.
Blondies’ first Wawa
Next time I start to get a crush on someone, just punch me in the face.
In case you ever need material for conversations about benign mouth deformities …
Wish I knew you when I was young
Eventually, we will have completely turned you.
I firmly believe this is a logistical issue.
I didn’t realize the flu affected your fingers’ ability to text.
-What’s that smell?
-Bourbon. And despair.
Walk with me. We’ll figure out where we’re going later.
If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom for the next few weeks.
You’re past the urchin stage.
Come. Walk with me. I’ll buy you Shake Shack.
If you pull this off, you will be a legend.
I’m a monster.
I think being able to stay calm and polite in the face of someone being a complete ass is the definition of strong.
This will work out one way or another and everyone will be okay, including you.
It’s not palpable excitement. It’s palpable terror.
Oh I have cried in the shower many times.
Someone’s gonna feel awkward in the morning and for once it’s not you.
There’s a blaze of light in every word … it doesn’t matter which you heard, the holy or the broken hallelujah
Poke [pronounced to rhyme with “smoky”] for you and poke [also pronounced like “smoky”] for me …
UGH he’s a turd.
Once you pull the trigger, you can’t know who will get shot.
May our misguided spirits always be bulletproof, and our Mad Hatter minds drunk on imagination forever.
It will not come from me.
A wasted gift.
You heard what just came out of your mouth, right? This is your novel.
So now you even hate the sun?
As amazing as I knew you would be.
The good stuff’s in the Don Draper drawer.
I love that look. It’s like corporate goth.
It’s never too late to be what you might have been.
How can you not tell us apart? I’m covered in tattoos and she’s covered in Jewish guilt.
Dafuque is wrong with you both?
I bet if there were more women generals, WWII would have been over in a year. Or we’d all be dead.
I want to love but it comes out wrong, I want to live but I don’t belong
I think I love your shrink.
The list of things I’d do to see you every day is not short.
The way you think about people isn’t always the way they actually are.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we’re in Gowanus right now.
One of us! One of us!
OMG. We should totally, like, do Clarendon.
Stop thinking about things so much. You’re breaking your own heart.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Go. A. Way.
Trivia question: where was I the last time I wore these jeans?
You look as if I’ve just told you that you have ringworm.
-It’s a little startling to see you in white.
-Just to be clear, it’s actually cream.
What’s a work crisis for a copy editor? Did someone misuse an Oxford comma?
Oh my god. I’m Chuck McGill! I have Chuck McGill disease!
How do I become an oligarch?
Maybe I need to issue smocks to all who enter.
I, too, eat lunch.
Also, I’m a recluse.
I just have a feeling I might cry tonight.
OMG! You floored us!
Either come closer or stay away. Having you in between is very exhausting.
I ain’t great at memo sending.
If he hasn’t gotten basic human behavior down by now, it’s looking doubtful.
I’m not gonna talk you off a ledge, but I am going to guide you through thinking every possible outcome through.
I really thought I could fix this.
What we hide in our hearts eats us alive.
What up, Don Rickles?
Ultra black. Or whichever color is darker than black. Like your soul.
Really? I remember it going down a liiiiittle differently.
From the back, it looked like Jesus.
We’re all crazy about things we haven’t even touched yet
I wanna go into American Girl and say, “I’d like a Viking doll. A shield maiden, to be exact. And give me Viking braids.”
Have I over-purchased?
And the way he’s talking to the Sphinx!
I think you secretly want Ebola.
You are so dark. How are we even related?
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
What’s the latest with your esophagus?
Can you publicly address the goodness of my homemade Dijon vinaigrette?
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find that parting story destabilizing.
I know you would never suggest I buy something pink.
The system only dreams in total darkness
I’ve never liked the cut of his jib.
-I love that expression “shit the bed.”
-Me too but I don’t think I understand its use. Like did I shit the bed last night or did he?
-He did. He totally shit the bed.
We were perfect there. Everyone loved us.
This isn’t who you are. You come from better stock.
You’re a French macaroon.
You can’t die with people mad at you. I would be VERY mad at you.
Large format meat
I would run. Run as far away as you can, as fast as you can.
The misfit toys are obsessed with you btw.
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
Turns out Marty Feldman’s been dead since 1982. Let’s just go with, “It was Mick Fleetwood.”
I blame the greasy-haired girl.
Hopper is an actual bunny!
… the characters that come into our lives on the path to a meaningful existence …
I’m just gonna stand here and open this can of Fancy Feast for lunch …
Any good psychic would know immediately there’s zero positive energy within 10 miles of me.
Don’t be a mouth-breathing wastoid.
Lemme tell ya. If I’d had to spend $1000 getting that cat’s asshole suctioned …
I would have maybe traded him phone use for joint (Excerpt from commute texts with unnamed party, for plausible deniability)
Trick or treat, freak!
I have nightmares to attend to.
-I liked it, out of spite
There is a crack, a crack in everything
Maybe it’s been the mallowed sweets all along. Maybe if you switched to bourbon mashed sweets your whole life would be different.
Look at it this way, he can be someone else’s headache now.
Is a fucking cheese plate too much to ask for?
I have a gummy vitamin and glass of water within reach. Those could last me two weeks if I ration.
No one should be that good their first time.
Let me tell you when I spotted the first lie.
Who is your favorite person named Steve?
–Hanson? Like as in, “Where’s the Love?”
-Yes and I wish they’d answered that question.
You will never understand the hell I feel inside my head.
You can’t drink wine from a $2 bill.
And when all of this is over, should I lose you in the smoke, I want you to know you were the one. And may my love travel with you everywhere, may my love travel with you always.
And we’re done here.