Spilling the Beans

Why didn't I think of this?
Why didn't I think of this?

It was my turn to make the afternoon pilgrimage to Starbucks. Typically, the individual responsible for the daily Starbucks run takes at least one other person with him or her, because it just isn’t possible to carry more than two caffeinated beverages unless one has disturbingly large hands.  But due to a seemingly endless Customer Service meeting that occupied a large portion of my co-workers, I found myself flying solo. 

I was a smidge concerned because I was sporting a cute frock I’d only worn once before, and one of the girls had requested a tall, hot coffee. Never once have I been able to tote a hot coffee any distance without involuntarily demonstrating a little move I like to call the spill-n-scald. Recently, I discovered that by piling 50+ napkins on top of the Starbucks lid, I could greatly cut down on both spillage and scaldage.  Unfortunately, in today’s eco-friendly, greener-than-thou environment, grabbing so many napkins is frowned upon with excessive condescension.  I dreaded the dirty looks I’d get from Birkenstock-wearing, soy latte and green tea drinkers in Chelsea.  Still, the dirty looks were preferable to the ruined expensive white tops.

Today, however, when the barrista slid me the tall hot coffee I’d ordered, there was a mysterious green thing sticking out of the sip hole.  Fascinating! Some lucky individual — probably employed at a crappy job which caused him to require copious amounts of caffeine — had invented a coffee cork! This toothpick-esque sliver of plastic prevented leakage and was alarmingly simple. The guy was probably a bazillionaire now with a lifetime supply of Starbucks. That bastard! Why had I not thought of this?

Thanks to the plug, I managed to deliver the coffee in pristine conditon — having lost nary a drop. I also delivered an ice coffee with grace and aplomb. Then, gently, I began to pull my own drink — a caramel frappuccino – out of the cardboard tray. The lid came flying off and within a nanosecond, the lower half of my dress was covered in sugary beige sludge. 

The moral of the story is: some people are lucky. Some people end up covered in sludge.

Spilling the Beans

5 thoughts on “Spilling the Beans

  1. This is exactly why I don’t drink coffee or any form of it. Okay, there may be more to it than that, but that does seem like a good reason to add to the list.

    Bummer about your dress 😦

    Thank you for the dress sympathy — it looks like the dry cleaner de-sludged it successfully. But you have an excellent point — caffeinated soda may be a safer bet from here on.

  2. maleesha says:

    Dangit! Coffee cork and all. Whenever I had to do the coffee run I always snuck out the back exit of the office, because if you walked by the front desk, the admin lady would yell “Hey, are you going to Starbucks??” Her order was this embarrassingly large Frappacino with double whip cream and covered in caramel. And it was always the frozen drink, even in the dead of winter. I hated carrying it and I hated crossing the street with all the cars looking at me carrying this mega-calorie bomb. I wanted to put a sign on it that said “NOT MINE.” Hmm, maybe it’s not too late to invent that…

    I am literally LOL. I believe the same woman works in my office. And I always want to say, “Um, frankly, do you think you should really be ordering that? How ’bout a nice skim latte?” On behalf of both of us, let’s patent the “NOT MINE” sticker immediately!

  3. I think what concerns me more than anything else is that its “a daily run” to Starbucks. Almost sounds like your office is trying to single handly get them in a better financial situation. Or you’ve got an office of caffeine junkies. Not that there is anything wrong with that…

    We always say we should buy stock in Starbucks! But, I’ve been trying to spread the wealth and frequent Red Mango every other day …

  4. Hey… I wear Birkenstocks and I would NEVER frown at you for taking enough napkins to prevent spoiling your pretty new frock!

    Ha! I actually own a pair of Birkenstocks myself! But not all Birkenstock wearers are as understanding as you are!

  5. Brilliant about the cork idea! Sorry to hear about the frequent spillage. The good news is that you could enter a wet coffee t-shirt contest and perhaps make some money!

    Good point! See — it’s always someone else who comes up with the brilliant, money-making schemes!

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